My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
No Google it does not
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
😂😂😂
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.