Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup


“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.


I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.


My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.


The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.