@tinytittays

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

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@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

@bmarked21

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@sweetg35

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@LuvPug

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

@yoyoha

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.