Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My dog ate my work from home.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby