Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Sniffing the broccoli
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
emergency phone
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
This is sending me to another galaxy
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
figuring out my emotional availability:
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?