dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants