Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*