[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.