@Gre_Gone

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

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@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@Cornjerker78

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@RandiLawson

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

@notmythirdrodeo

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

@shutupmikeginn

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

@Cpin42

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes