@Gre_Gone

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

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@sofarrsogud

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

@prufrockluvsong

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

@bewgtweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@macchiatonumb

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

@einaregilsson

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

@TwinSurvivalist

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.