[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Hell yeah 👍
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.