I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.