O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
You Might Also Like
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
San Francisco has too many rules
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
But wait…