can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Breaking news:
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try