Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
and now we wait
I just stopped by to water my horse.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
☠️☠️☠️
taking June’s advice to heart