Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Only a mother’s love …
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems