*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.