If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain