Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
At an art museum and I thought this was art
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Rambo Rambow
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Jurassic park gets weird
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Breakfast in bed.
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?