Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]