Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
So, can we agree on 4 or
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Wednesday
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.