I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.