I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN