They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud