me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.