cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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This anagram machine is out of order.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.