I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Tier 3 meme
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter