My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My dream job is getting paid to dream
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.