Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals