Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight