[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
english majors be like furthermore
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life