When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”