I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
How do dragons blow out candles?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.