Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.