For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.