how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
definitely did not do anything wrong
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.