Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
remember
only for emergencies
Krampus.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.