If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*cough*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin