I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Animal poetry
wishing you and yours all the best
SF is the wild wild west man
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Fidel Castro was alive?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one