HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
This is my pinned tweet
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…