Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot