HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.