i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.