You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question