I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.