HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
she has a point
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.