My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
black phone good
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*