black phone good
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
opening twitter today
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Thinking about Jeff
San Francisco has too many rules
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”