“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”