Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.


Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”


Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.


When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside


is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?


“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out


My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.


Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food


you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy


I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating