Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do