“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
You Might Also Like
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?