I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.