My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You Might Also Like
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently