Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Pizza is an emotion right?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.