Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.