Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Good point.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
This will never not be funny 😭
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /