No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can