my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.