Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.