My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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What a chick magnet..
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you